Chemo Chronicles Part Four

Chemo Chronicles Part Four    Seize this Day

An apology �" I know it has been a long time since my last post, I'm not sure why I have been unable to find the words (writer's block, chemo brain, laziness)but each time I have previously attempted to put words on this virtual paper, I have found myself at a loss. Tonight God would not let me sleep and so I find myself here to share what He has placed on my heart...

Have you ever found yourself wishing your life away?  I know it sounds weird, but as I look back at certain ages, times and events in my life, I can remember wishing time would fast forward to a future age, a better time, or a more exciting event.  For example:

            When I was four, I could not wait to be five so I could go to school.

            When I was in fourth grade, I wanted to be in sixth grade, to experience middle school.

            When in seventh, eighth grade was the goal, because then I would be the “big shot!”

            As a freshman, I longed to be a sophomore...well mostly, just 16 (does anyone really dream 
                             of  being a sophomore?) so I could get my license (unfortunately, this dream was
                             not quickly realized, even at the age of 16, but that's another issue).

            After finally acquiring my license, and a large driver's education bill for my parents, my sights                              were set on senior year and graduation, when I would finally grasp “true
                             independence.”

            While single, I could not wait to meet that “special someone”; when engaged, I couldn't wait
                             for the wedding day.

            When pregnant, I could not wait for delivery....

Since having children, and let's face it, growing a little more mature (physically speaking), I am no longer so quick to long for the future.  In fact, for the most part, it's quite the opposite, I find myself wanting to slow things down a bit.   My daughter will be a junior this coming school year, and my son a freshman...in my mind, they just learned to walk.  Just the other day, M.R. and I stood hand in hand in front of family and friends and nervously repeated our vows.  I can still feel my heart race as he looked at me during one of the songs and whispered, “You're beautiful.” Is it really possible that in November we will have been married twenty years?

Many poets and song writers have beautifully attempted to persuade readers and listeners to “enjoy the moment”, “seize the day”, “grasp each opportunity”...to live in the present and find contentment in that place and time they find themselves right now.   Most importantly, God reminds us that, “Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit”; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away.” James 4:13-14, NKJV.

On the eve of my 4^th chemo treatment, I have a confession to make, since being diagnosed with breast cancer in late January of this year, I find myself  wishing for the ability to push that fast forward button.  It began while waiting on test results, then for surgery and healing, then a second surgery and more healing, and now chemo treatments.  On the day of my infusion (day one of my 21 day cycle), my thoughts long for day 12 when I will begin to feel better, as soon as that day comes I am wishing for days 13 – 21 to simply drag.  In the bigger picture, my heart dreams of a couple weeks into August when the treatments are over and the side effects are done; or in late October when radiation is completed; or how about Thanksgiving when I will surely be stronger; or sometime next year when reconstruction is completed, my body is healed and I hear the words, “Cancer Free.”Wishing my life away...and I'm sure there is not a single person who blames me, but still I am wishing my life away...and it's already short enough...a vapor.

God has given me today for a reason; and in His perfect will, unconditional love and everlasting goodness, He has allowed me to experience this moment and this circumstance.  As I look back on the past six months, I see so much that He has taught me, so much that He has shown me, so many blessings that He has lavished upon me and so many ways that He has loved me. As I find myself, once again, in a time period of waiting, I wonder if maybe these times are not some of the most important, as they serve as opportunities of preparation.  Like the nine months of waiting for the birth of a child, each day is a necessary opportunity for growth;  I may have wanted my driver's license at the age of fifteen (or, truth be told, even earlier) but I sure wasn't ready for it, I needed time to prepare physically, mentally and emotionally.  God has a plan...and each day He is working to get me ready for His purpose.   I will give thanks for this moment and pray that He will show me how to seize this day for His glory and honor; knowing that...

“By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence.” (2 Peter 1:3, NLT).

And...

“Being confident of this, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;” (Phillipians 1:6, NKJV)

Blessings to you!