Chemo Chronicles Volume 3- Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Chemo Chronicles Volume 3
Hair today…gone tomorrow.

“…and even the very hairs on your head are numbered.” Matthew 10:30

I lost my hair this week. WAIT…that’s not really accurate, because when something is lost you don’t know where it is…and I know exactly where my hair is (in the trash can) and where it isn’t (on my head). Before starting chemo, I was given information sheets for each of the drugs that would be used in my treatment. Each sheet contained a list of all the possible side effects I might experience (not the best reading material for settling the nerves, I must say.) “Hair loss”, the overachiever, made each list. In addition, my medical oncologist, nurse navigator and the nurse who took care of my first infusion were all in agreement and shared the news as well, “Mrs. Hamilton, you will lose your hair.” So, short of God holding my hairs in place (which He could) I resigned myself to the fact that I would, most likely, be, in a matter of time, sporting a much shorter hair style.

It happened Monday, the fourteenth day of my chemo cycle. I would just like to note that I find it somewhat amazing how one day my hair is hanging out on my head, doing its thing; and the next morning, it begins retreating to my pillow, the bathroom floor, the shower, any chair I sit in, my car…well, you get the point. By Tuesday evening, having had enough of the mess and my dog looking at me accusingly about my shedding, I asked M.R. and Elizabeth to shave it. It was the right decision…after all, it’s only hair…

Last night at church(Wednesday), I was asked if I ever have times where I am just sad. The question followed the statement, “You’re always so positive.” I’m not sure what my outward expression portrayed, but inside I began to smile as I recalled my experience with getting ready for church just a few hours prior. While standing at my dresser, I happened to glance at a picture of me that had been taken two days before my first surgery and I just broke into tears. I have never been particularly fond of the way I look, never thought of myself as attractive; in fact, there were many times I wished I could change different things about my appearance, that I might look like someone else. In that moment, however, standing in front of the dresser mirror and looking into the face on the picture, I found myself longing to just look like me again.

Throughout this journey, there have been several moments when I have been faced with the reality of my own weakness; I become overwhelmed and, quite frankly, I crumble. Each time, however, God has lifted me up with His strength and whispered words of Truth and love to bring me peace. ..this time was no different. It seemed as if my loving Father drew me near to Him and quietly spoke, “Katie, you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14)…and I know the plans I have for you plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11)... trust that I will make this work together for good, for you have been called according to My purpose (Romans 8:28)…and understand that it is my desire for you to decrease, that I may increase (John 3:30)."

My theme passage over the past few months, and I’m sure I’ve used it several times before, comes from James 1:2-4, which says, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” It is God’s desire that I become mature and complete…not lacking anything; so unlike me. Which makes me wonder if, when it comes to looks, that I should be less concerned with looking like I use to and more concerned with looking like His Son.

“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” (1 Peter 3:3-4)